I am about to be deeply honest with you.
This summer has been the hardest and worst season of my whole 20 years of existence. My tender little heart got really hurt and really broken. My beautiful little world fell apart. I thought it was the end. I thought I would never recover. I lived in a world of confusion and disarray and complete disappointment. My deepest fear was actually becoming a reality. I felt alone and completely broken. I’ve never felt such a deep sense of rejection and betrayal. The lies and fears circled my mind constantly. The never-ending questions made me want to scream. I felt like I had lost not only the love of my life, but also my God. I couldn’t hear him, I couldn’t feel him, I couldn’t understand him. There was no routine, absolutely no sense of anything normal, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness. My world had turned into complete chaos.
The disappointment I felt was incomparable to any other disappointment I’ve ever experienced. Every dream my heart had dreamed was crushed, lying in the floor with no hope of being picked up and pieced back together. My heart was screaming in pain and I didn’t know how to give it the attention and love that it needed.
I resorted to the only normal thing I knew: control.
I fell right back into the pattern I had tried to overcome for so long. My mind spun in circles, trying to find any little, teeny tiny part of my life that I could control. I couldn’t find anything. Not one thing. I had completely lost control of my life. I felt like my emotions were on a dial that had been turned all the way up. I literally felt out of control, like maybe I was going crazy.
Grief. It was grief. I was experiencing grief.
And you know what? I still am. But I’m learning how to grieve and I’m getting better at it.
Then everything changed. On August 5th, just nine days after the worst day of my life, I made a decision. I had a revelation. It was this: that I could let this moment–this heartbreak of all heartbreaks–go one of two ways. I could choose to let the deep disappointment engulf me and give way to bitterness and unforgiveness that would fester for years and cause a downward spiral OR I could simply step into who God already said I was and respond in grace and love.
You see, when The Lord speaks to us about who we are, it doesn’t mean that we will become that in eighty years when we’re old and have lived our lives. It means that we are who He says we are right now. RIGHT NOW! And I realized that I had been acting at half (or maybe even less) of who He said I was and all I had to do to become who He says I am was just start acting like it. There is no becoming. You don’t have to try to be the person God created you to be; you already are that person. Now hear me on this, there is definitely a refining process of learning how to be the example of Jesus that He’s created you to be, but I do not believe that we have to struggle to become who He says we are. For example, Jesus said I am kind. So guess what? I AM KIND. Right now. I am a kind person! Well what if I don’t feel kind? Then just start acting kind. Yes, outwardly I might have been a kind person, but the thoughts I had were not always kind. How did I solve this? I started being kind to people. It’s that simple. You just start. You just start being kind. You start being joyful. You start being intentional and loving and patient. You just do it. There’s no rhyme or riddle or super spiritual way to get to the great destiny. You just do it. If God says you are kind, then YOU ARE KIND. RIGHT NOW! So just be kind!
To further emphasize my point, I want to submit to you the idea that in Hebrew, there is no such word as “try”. You don’t “try” to do something in the Hebrew. You either do it or you don’t. Jesus brought this to mind as I sat and contemplated how I was going to get from where I was to whereI wanted to be. But there is no trying, no striving or endless attempts to be better. There is only success or disobedience.
I chose success.
I made a decision in my heart that I was going to let this situation be a turning point for me. I was going to let this moment be the defining moment where I starting acting like the beautiful, incredible person Jesus says I am. I was going to step into who The Lord sees me as and just start being that person. So I did. I started being kind. I started caring for people like Jesus would. I started honoring my mom like Jesus tells us to. I repented for operating at half of who I really am and just started being better.
And this is how I did it. I said, “Jesus, I am stepping into who you say I am. Right now, from here on out, I am the person you say I am and no less.”
And then I changed my behavior.
I can honestly say that the more I spoke over myself and the more I acted on who Jesus says I am, the more I began to believe it. It became my identity! Who Jesus says I am IS who I am! I’m living it and I’m believing it! Do I mess up sometimes? Of course I do. Everyone does. But there is always grace and I know that Father God is so proud of me for stepping into who I really am!
And guess what? All the fears and insecurities and ugly little lies started to fall away and my heart started beating again! The shattered pieces began to fit back together again. My dreams started to mend again. And the healing came. I am right in the middle of the refining and healing season that Jesus has spoken to me about for the last three years. And I love it! I hate how I got here but I love where I’m going! No looking back for me!
So this is my question to you: do you know who you are? Do you know who Jesus says you are and the name he calls you by? And are you living that? Will you step into that? It’s as easy as repentance and obedience!
I love you all endlessly!